HOW PROGRAMMERS HUNT ELEPHANTS
Programmers fall into many well known categories, and the following
treatise describes the hunting techniques of these different species
of computer programmers.
- CLIPPER programmers...
- ...don't actually hunt elephants, they just buy
libraries of elephant parts and then spend years trying to integrate
- DBASE programmers...
- ...only hunt elephants at night when no one will
notice that they are still using crossbows.
- FOXPRO programmers...
- ...switch to newer and better rifles every few days
which causes them to spend more time learning new shooting techniques
than actually hunting.
- C programmers...
- ...refuse to buy rifles off the shelf, preferring to take
steel rods and a mobile machine shop to Africa intending to build
the perfect rifle for the job from scratch.
- PARADOX programmers...
- ...go to Africa with copies of Hollywood movie
scripts about elephant hunting, the reenactment of which they believe
will help them catch an elephant.
- ACCESS programmers...
- ...zero right in on an elephant right away, even with
no prior experience in elephant hunting, and then, impeccably dressed
and fully looking the part, get the elephant in their beautifully
mounted scopes, and then realize that other than missing a trigger,
they are 99.9% there.
- RBASE programmers...
- ...are rarer than elephants. In fact, when an elephant
sees an RBASE programmer he considers it a lucky day.
- VISUAL BASIC programmers...
- ...point at their bullets, point at their rifles,
then point at the elephant. This amuses the elephants, who run away.
They are unable to pursue the elephant because their jeeps are
undriveable having steering wheels, yokes, joysticks and rudders, due
to their love of multiple controls.
- ADA, APL, and FORTRAN programmers...
- ...are just as fictional as Santa Claus
and the Tooth Fairy.
- COBOL programmers...
- ...have too much empathy to hunt another near-extinct
- HTML programmers...
- ...spend so much time rearranging the rifles, Land Rovers, blinds,
and other hunting gear so that it will result in a perfect hunting
experience for every combination of guides and hunting parties that
the elephants migrate to a new location.